Holiday Sufferers Hold On

Christmas is upon us as a season where magic happens. People who never love suddenly find that they want to give love. They want to be loved. Is that love we need to hold and share shortwired to show up mostly at Christmas? Are we programed by our maker to realize if only for a short period that love is the most important thing we have in life?

We all have love problems. It is just a given that life is not always fair. Life has maybe more pain than good feelings for many of us. During Christmas time, a sudden urge comes to the surface to connect with those around us. We send out cards to people we haven't seen in years. We buy gifts for family, friends and neighbors. For one short period of time each year we are thrown into the reality of just what love we do have but also it is clear what love we do not have.

I understand why sucide is so often an act during the holiday season. That love we don't have looms over us like a deep black cloud with no possible light to break through. It becomes a blanket of pain we wrap ourselves into seeking comfort but only feel the loss more. Our loss is often because our loved ones have died. They are gone with no possibility to come back . Christmas hurts because of their parting. We may find comfort in what we believe about after life. We may not because we have lost that belief in our rage over being separated from those we love.

Rage often fills the void when there seems to be nothing else. My own mother found rage when my sister died suddenly. Her rage kept her alive. She would not give up the rage. It kept her breathing in and out. In the process, she lost family and friends who were assulted by this anger. She was comforted with her rage keeping the reality of the world at bay. She is in her 90's now 20 some years later, with that rage just under the surface not to be talked about or recognized. Rage is not socially acceptable, but it never the less lives within her.

I have a loss of family. I have witnessed rage as a war against loss with my mother. I do not want rage in my life. I find myself wading through a deep grief that seems to be a dark black cloud that has no end. I am a rational human being and I have love in my life. I will not find an easy way to rid myself of this black cloud. I have too much to live for to die easily. The black cloud will co-exist with the other parts of me. I don't think it will ever be wonderful again. Life will be made up of loss forever, but life will also be parts that are filled with joy and meaning. I will most likely find all holidays and celebrations covered with this black cloud. I will always miss the love I have lost. I will appear the person most people think I am. I will hold my black cloud close under wraps until the holiday passes. Sunshine will come with the pain of lost love tucked away where my mind doesn't go often. In a time when my guard is down, that cloud might oooze out for a few seconds, my throat will close up, tears come to my eyes but I will recover. It is just at holidays that the full force of loss is raging against all reason. I will be thinking of all loss that many of us have experienced. I will be thinking of sunshine for you. Sunshine if only for moments or two makes life worth living. Hold on fellow holiday sufferers. It will get better. Christmas is nearly gone! Love who you can. Love well.